Monday, 1 April 2013

An Easter Tale

And as Jesus was upon the cross, his disciples gathered before him and called unto him, ‘Lord, you are not alone, for we are with you.’

And Jesus replied unto them, ‘Oh come off it, you’re down there, all safe and sound, not a care in the world, while I’m up here, nailed to a cross – you’re hardly with me.’
And they spake thus, ‘Certainly, Lord, we see you have a point. But know then that from henceforth we shall remember this day as Good Friday.’

And Jesus replied unto them, ‘I’m sorry, what did you say? Good Friday? You’ll remember today as Good Friday? Exactly which part about today has been good, would you say? The flogging? The stabbing? Or perhaps the crucifixion itself – is that what you had in mind? Am I missing something here – is there something about this particular crucifixion that strikes you as especially good?!’
And his disciples replied, ‘Well ,sure, when you put it like that, Lord, we can see the day’s not been exactly ideal for you, but, well, we were sort of thinking about it from our point of view – you know, thanks to you, we’re cleansed of our sins and we’ll be going to heaven – so you see, Lord, it’s at least a reasonably good day.’

And Jesus replied unto them, ‘ You self-centred, self-absorbed, solipsistic little . . . oh forget it – sure, fine, whatever, it’s a great day, a wonderful day, actually, why not call it Fantastic Friday, I mean, why not really emphasise just what a fan-bloody-tastic day today really is . . .’
And his disciples did interrupt him, for they were sore on this point, feeling both rightly chastised and a little irritated, ‘It’s an interesting thought, Lord, but unfortunately we’ve already sent out word to everyone that the day’s to be Good Friday and so it’s a bit late. And speaking of being late, we really need to be off now – it’s dinner time.’

And so they departed hence and Jesus was alone upon the cross and he called unto God and said, ‘My Lord, why have you abandoned me?’ And the skies darkened and thunder did rumble and lightning flashed and Jesus did feel as if perhaps he had adopted the wrong tone.
And then did God speak unto Jesus, ‘For pity’s sake, would you stop your whining – you’re supposed to be the Son of God, a little dignity wouldn’t hurt, you know.’

And Jesus did reply, ‘But it really hurts up here, and there’s an itch between my shoulder blades that I can’t quite reach – funnily enough – and would you mind awfully?’
And God did reach down His mighty hand and lo, the itch was scratched. And Jesus gave thanks.

Some three days later, the disciples did enter unto the tomb into which Jesus had been placed, but Jesus was not (there) – instead, where his body had lain, was a single, dark chocolate Easter bunny, with a little jingly bell around its neck. And the disciples did take the Easter bunny and held it aloft, saying ‘Lo, a miracle, for our Father in Heaven hath taken his only Son and given us this dark chocolate Easter bunny with a little jingly bell. Amen.’

And the disciples did break the Easter bunny into little bits, although the portions were not even as it’s hard to get chocolate to break evenly, and they did give thanks and declared, ‘This is the body of Christ, who through the power of Our Father in Heaven hast become dark chocolate. Yum.’

And so it was done.

1 comment:

  1. Very droll, although I can think of one or two persons who may not share this opinion!