Saturday, 22 March 2014

PM Denies Not Not Un-Endorsing Oravida

The PM John Key today hastily convened a press conference outside the Number One Men’s Toilet facility in Shanghai to address reporters’ questions concerning his involvement in the Milkgate Scandal.

The PM began with a few words addressed to the throng of reporters: ‘Mumblemumblemumblemumblemumblemumble’ he said, which I believe were words something to the effect of, ‘Look, why don’t you all just p*ss off and leave me alone, I’m so over this bullsh*t, I should’ve just stayed making tons of money’. Not dissuaded, however, one of the three reporters present then put it to the PM that he was clearly implicated in what looked like corruption of the highest order, despite which he did not seem to be taking the matter very seriously. To this the PM replied, ‘Mumblemumblemumblemumblemumblemumble’, after which he suddenly twisted his facial features into a most alarming grotesquery, leading me to believe he had eaten something especially pungent for lunch while dining unexpectedly with senior executives from Oravida and several high-ranking officials of the Communist Party at one of Shanghai's swankiest restaurants, the Good Luck To You Sir. One of my fellows, however, disabused me of this misapprehension, explaining that what he had in fact just said was, ‘Hey, check this out, have you seen how I can pull a derp-face and look like a complete retard?’
John Key explaining his involvement with Oravida.
And at that, the news conference was abruptly terminated as the PM turned and headed into the men’s. ‘The PM did ask me to tell you all before you leave,’ said an aide, ‘that he neither endorses nor does not endorse Oravida milk products, although he also wanted me to say that he drinks Oravida milk every day and counts himself among the blessed of this earth to be able to do so. Thank you ladies and gentlemen.’ With that, we were all given our very own little goody-bags, each containing Oravida milk powder, Oravida milk supplement, the Oravida-patented milk laxative, an Oravida cap, an ‘I YOravida’ t-shirt and an Oravida coffee mug. With so much spilt milk around, however, there's surely more to come on this story.

Friday, 21 March 2014

Players suspended after taking wrong drugs: NZRFU revelation

A senior official with the NZRFU has today told me that the two All Blacks suspended after reportedly going on a drinking-binge prior to the World Cup quarter-final with Argentina were in fact suspended for taking the wrong drugs. Speaking on the condition of anonymity, the senior official explained that Israel Dagg and Cory Jane had in fact spent the night in question knocking back sleeping pills. 'We have no problem,' said the official, 'with players using the drugs - don't get me wrong - but where we get upset is when they use the wrong drugs.' Conceding that they were dealing with rugby players, the official, a former All Black himself, then went on to say, 'Look, they're not rocket surgeons, and sometimes they make mistakes, but this is the kind of mistake you don't want to see repeated'.

At this stage I asked him if he might clarify the matter a little further - I must confess I was struggling to get the gist. 'Here's how it is,' he sighed, clearly a touch exasperated, 'we need our players to be at the top of their game, week in, week out, and there are some great drugs out there that will help them to be sharp as tacks. But honestly, sleeping pills? I mean half the time we're not sure these guys are awake as it is, the last thing we need is for them to be taking sleeping pills!'

Jane and Dagg, in the middle of a crucial World Cup game, take time out to hallucinate after enjoying some especially good Flash.
'Oh I see,' I said, finally getting what he was saying, 'so basically, you didn't suspend them because they took drugs, you suspended them because they took the wrong drugs!' 'Exactly!' he exclaimed. 'And,' he went on, now looking quite excited, 'we're not just leaving at that, we're being proactive about this. All our players will now be sent on a complete pharmaceutical course and will learn all the ins and out of uppers and downers, amphetamines, barbiturates, crack, adavans, agua de chango, aunt nora, aunti emma, aunt hazel, baby slits, Baby T and bump - you name it, they'll know what it is and when to use it!' 'By golly,' I said, 'no one can say the NZRFU isn't innovative!'

At that, the senior offical excused himself, saying he was off to have a good toke on some Donna Juanita.