The PM John Key today hastily convened a press conference outside the Number One Men’s Toilet facility in Shanghai to address reporters’ questions concerning his involvement in the Milkgate Scandal.
The PM began with a few words addressed to the throng of reporters: ‘Mumblemumblemumblemumblemumblemumble’ he said, which I believe were words something to the effect of, ‘Look, why don’t you all just p*ss off and leave me alone, I’m so over this bullsh*t, I should’ve just stayed making tons of money’. Not dissuaded, however, one of the three reporters present then put it to the PM that he was clearly implicated in what looked like corruption of the highest order, despite which he did not seem to be taking the matter very seriously. To this the PM replied, ‘Mumblemumblemumblemumblemumblemumble’, after which he suddenly twisted his facial features into a most alarming grotesquery, leading me to believe he had eaten something especially pungent for lunch while dining unexpectedly with senior executives from Oravida and several high-ranking officials of the Communist Party at one of Shanghai's swankiest restaurants, the Good Luck To You Sir. One of my fellows, however, disabused me of this misapprehension, explaining that what he had in fact just said was, ‘Hey, check this out, have you seen how I can pull a derp-face and look like a complete retard?’
|John Key explaining his involvement with Oravida.|
And at that, the news conference was abruptly terminated as the PM turned and headed into the men’s. ‘The PM did ask me to tell you all before you leave,’ said an aide, ‘that he neither endorses nor does not endorse Oravida milk products, although he also wanted me to say that he drinks Oravida milk every day and counts himself among the blessed of this earth to be able to do so. Thank you ladies and gentlemen.’ With that, we were all given our very own little goody-bags, each containing Oravida milk powder, Oravida milk supplement, the Oravida-patented milk laxative, an Oravida cap, an ‘I YOravida’ t-shirt and an Oravida coffee mug. With so much spilt milk around, however, there's surely more to come on this story.