The PM John Key today hastily convened a press conference
outside the Number One Men’s Toilet facility in Shanghai to address reporters’
questions concerning his involvement in the Milkgate Scandal.
The PM began with a few words addressed to the throng of
reporters: ‘Mumblemumblemumblemumblemumblemumble’ he said, which I believe were
words something to the effect of, ‘Look, why don’t you all just p*ss off and
leave me alone, I’m so over this bullsh*t, I should’ve just stayed making tons
of money’. Not dissuaded, however, one of the three reporters present then put
it to the PM that he was clearly implicated in what looked like corruption of
the highest order, despite which he did not seem to be taking the matter very seriously. To this the PM replied, ‘Mumblemumblemumblemumblemumblemumble’,
after which he suddenly twisted his facial features into a most alarming grotesquery,
leading me to believe he had eaten something especially pungent for lunch while dining unexpectedly with senior executives from Oravida and several high-ranking officials of the Communist Party at one of Shanghai's swankiest restaurants, the Good Luck To You Sir. One
of my fellows, however, disabused me of this misapprehension, explaining that
what he had in fact just said was, ‘Hey, check this out, have you seen how I
can pull a derp-face and look like a complete retard?’
 |
| John Key explaining his involvement with Oravida. |
And at that, the news conference was abruptly terminated as the PM turned and headed into the men’s. ‘The PM did ask me to tell you all
before you leave,’ said an aide, ‘that he neither endorses nor does not endorse
Oravida milk products, although he also wanted me to say that he drinks Oravida milk
every day and counts himself among the blessed of this earth to be able to do
so. Thank you ladies and gentlemen.’ With that, we were all given our very own
little goody-bags, each containing Oravida milk powder, Oravida milk
supplement, the Oravida-patented milk laxative, an Oravida cap, an ‘I YOravida’
t-shirt and an Oravida coffee mug. With so much spilt milk around, however, there's surely more to come on this story.
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